Get your very own James Potter
by Where's-The-Plot
Summary: The Final part is up! read review! And find out if Sirius' mad plans to sell James potter work. Will he earn enough to get a flying bike? will James ever keep his clothes ? And what's happened to Peter? Is he ok?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing not a character not one… shame isn't it ?

James was walking back to the common room, after a hard day stalking Lilly Evans or as he prefers 'discreetly following' Lilly Evans when he first noticed something , the female population of Hogwarts seemed to be staring at him and whispering excitedly, they did that normally, but it was a lot more then usual. Little did he know but it was Sirius' doing.

In the common room Sirius was on a roll "That's right ladies, tomorrow at noon One date with James Potter will be auctioned off, Tell your friends, Tell your sisters, Tell your gay brothers, Even tell your teachers .. …wait scrap that last one don't tell your teachers, but anyway, empty your piggy banks because it's to the highest bidder ! " Sirius jumped off the table as the crowd dispersed

He looked over to his fellow marauder Remus as he sat down . " I think I Sold him don't you ?" beamed Sirius

"A. James is not a used car and B. don't you think James will object to be used in your scheme to get your flying motor bicycle ?"

"what's a car is it like Tar ?" asked Sirius, He then entered a completely different conversation

" Wonder if Wormtails done with those posters yet ?"

"Posters ?" asked an interested Remus

" didn't I show you ?" Sirius Pulled out a copy from his robe and exhibited it to Remus

" Dear Merlin ! '_Win the chance to snog potter senseless' _and they say romance is dead" said Remus chuckling and shaking his head. At that moment peter waddled into the almost empty common room

"Put them all up ?" inquired Sirius

"Yea.. By the way Do you reckon T-shirts with James' head on would sale ?"

"Wormtail that's the best idea you have had ! We could sale them at the auction !" said an ecstatic Sirius, who was jumping about very much like an energized puppy " Oh and we can make them talk !

I'll give you a 20 percent Cut if you do it Remus "

"60"

"25" retaliated Sirius

"40" argued Remus

"30"

"Deal" Remus shouted

"50" carried on Sirius

"Even better"

"Damn it !" Exclaimed Sirius noticing his mistake

"To late now " said a satisfied Remus

"Curse you Moony " Sirius then did a 180 turn

"Wormtail you can pick the colours and the pictures"

"Don't I get a cut ?" asked peter

" will talked business later" replied Sirius hurriedly, darting out of the room

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Part 2 will come soon, if I get reviews ! I might even use your name for the next bit if you review 


	2. Chapter 2

James had just burst into the Marauders dorm at a speed, which was only matched by Sirius dashing to breakfast, he was carrying in his hand a rolled up poster and as he entered he bellowed

"Sirius ! What in the name of Merlin is going on"

He threw the poster at him, he missed and the poster landed a few feet to the left of Sirius

"Oh Niffler droppings" shouted Sirius as he edged to the left trying to get in the way of James' view of a large box

"Well ? Why does it seem that am going to be auctioned off" shouted a furious James

"Well you see-

"And what in Merlin's Name are those" yelled James pointing to the box full of T-shirts with his face on

"what ? Oh those well you see we made those when we'd realised your sell-ability" realising his attempt to stop James noticing the box had failed

"Bloody sell-ability ! what am I a broom ?"

"No really the girls have gone mad for you !" reasoned Sirius

"well am not going on a date with who some fat Hufflepuff who happens to be rich"

"who said anything about going on a date with anyone ?" smiled Sirius

"your sales poster that's who !" bawled James pointing at the poster on the nearby carpet ( pile of clothes)

"ah it only says with **A** James Potter" added Sirius

" I am James Potter" Bellowed James

" **A **James Potter, we just get some polyjuice potion and give it to Peter" beamed Sirius

" why that's … that's Brilliant"

"I know !" Said a gleeful Sirius while jumping around like a puppy on caffeine

"but I still want 40 percent of the profits from the auction and badge sale"

" Badges ?" asked a curious Sirius

"Oh yes I am surprised you didn't think of badges"

"am surprised too, I feel I've failed you, I'll get Wormtail to work on it right away !" said a merry Sirius

"I'll get Remus to find the spell to the badges and the T-shirts to talk later" he added

Later in the library 

Behind the extensive bookcases at a small table there sat 2 boys one was reading a large red book, the other was moaning as loud as possible much like a 4 year old.

"Moony am bored" whined Sirius

"well we would have been finished earlier, but somebody keeps moaning every time I find the right spell !" said Remus "I've read this page 4 times now"

"and is that my fault?" argued Sirius waving his arms around dramatically

"Yes it is Sirius" pointed out a increasingly annoyed werewolf, Sirius shrugged in a 'what can do manner' and went back to looking up rude words in the dictionary , giggling every now and again.

A few minutes passed, or long hours if you were Sirius.

"I've found it !" said Remus copy down the spell hurriedly

"YEY, now lets get out or here, sitting round here with all these books damages your brain you know"

"Yes .. Sure whatever" said Remus too tired to argue, as Remus was slowly getting up Sirius had all ready done the 100 meters dash across the library creating as much noise and mayhem as possible with many cries of protest from bystanders

Remus made a mental note: Never under any circumstances let anyone give Padfoot Caffeine ever, and then walked out , apologising for his friends antics as he did so.

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A few errors have been pointed out to me and I've tried to fix them I'd still like some reviews


	3. Chapter 3

In the marauders dorm, the large central pile of clothes , prank items and dog treats had been moved into a near by corner make way for a cauldron and around the bubbling cauldron were 3 boys , one scruffy looking boy with light brown hair was reading out the instructions while a boy with long black hair was busily adding things to the polyjuice, while a chubby rodent like kid was 'ooh-ing and ah-ing and looking at the brewing potion as if trying to see the secret that made it work when everyone else brewed it.

"now we just leave it for a while" said Remus closing the book

" and then we just need James's hair, and then it's ready for you to drink Wormtail" added Sirius while carefully moving the cauldron under his bed so nobody sneaking in could find it with out digging into whatever had evolved from Sirius' midnight snacks.

"Tell me again why I only get 1 percent "asked Wormtail scratching the back of his head

" it's simple, you get one percent because I've also made you head of fabric and plastic merchandise and president of heavy lifting" said Sirius in a slightly frustrated way, Peter thought for a second before smiling and saying "well I suppose that's ok then"

A few seconds later Remus, Sirius and Peter lay on their beds, Sirius was 'reading' the sort of magazine found on the top shelf of your local newsagents, he claimed he only got them for the articles, while Remus was reading Oliver twist, Peter was just laid on the bed thinking, reading was far to difficult.

" But you don't think me pretending to be James is dishonest do you ?" asked Peter

" yea but it's this or blackmailing you Wormtail" answered Sirius

" blackmail me with what ?" asked peter

" One word sock puppets" said Sirius, Peter's jaw was held open his eyes widened

"how did you- started Peter

" I wasn't a sleep" interjected Sirius

"So you heard the… me doing the thing then"  
"yes yes I did" stated Sirius

" What are you two on about" asked Remus

"Nothing" shouted Wormtail worriedly

Meanwhile in one of the many corridors of Hogwarts

A group of girls were gathered by the newest auction poster, the poster's had gotten more and more vulgar due to Sirius' warped mind, the girls were all wearing their talking Potter badges , hats and talking T-shirts with moving picture, while carrying their talking Potter dolly- another Peter idea, and in the all the little Potter doll's hands were the official Potter doll brooms. Currently they were fighting over who would get the poster. Then James walked by, one Potter fan girl shouted "It's him" and James began running for his life , this was the 3rd time in an hour fan girls had chased him, he though the whole thing was getting out of hand , this was his best shirt and he was going have to throw it to distract the rampaging fan girls, he was running out of shirts.

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Reviews please I think I've become addicted to them..


	4. Chapter 4

The following morning the majority of students were in the great hall, at the far end of the Gryffindor table Sirius and Peter were eating anything that looked remotely edible, shovelling plate loads into their mouths in seconds, while Remus was eating like a normal person. In between mouthfuls Sirius managed to form a whole sentence.

"So where is my little walking bundle of cash ? " he asked

"If your referring to James just then, I think he's taking the long way round to lose the fan girls" Said Remus, gesturing with his fork.

"He'd best hurry up or I'll eat the rest of the bacon" added Peter

In a near by corridor 

James had just realised how bad his plan was, instead of losing the fan girls he'd just given them longer to hunt him down and steal his clothes, which was why he was running to the great hall in his bright blue quidditch boxers, he could hear the girly giggling of the pack of fan girls hunting him down , panicking he sped up , he was so close to the hall, he could smell the odour of bacon, just one more corridor to go he thought, as he turned the corner.

Meanwhile Back in the Great Hall 

"It's really not like James to miss breakfast" said peter,

then just as Sirius was about to answer. A almost naked figure appeared at the huge doorway . Girls swooned, Slytherin's laughed, and everyone else was in shock including the teachers. The figure's face began to turn red, obviously just realizing what he had just done, then there was a flash from a magical Camera and a shout of I've got the final poster Moony ! " from Sirius. James ran towards him, hands over his nipples trying to preserve some dignity, while failing horribly.

" Give us your over robe !" pleaded James, Sirius looked as if for a second he wasn't going to, but a stern glare from Remus changed his mind and he gave up his robe with a few huffs and groans. Peter was still in shock, his mouth wide open.

" God James I know sometimes it seems to much hassle but we've all got to put on clothes" said Sirius

" Shut up, I got mugged by my so called 'fans' on the way here" he panted "I'll be glad when this is all over, I hope your blasted flying motor bike is worth it " he added

"Oh I've already got enough for my bike already I'm working on my retirement fund"

Remus looked at him in shock " you haven't even finished school yet !" he said in astonishment

The conversation was interrupted as this point as the teachers had finally gotten over the shock and come to their senses

"**Mr. Potter Come to MY Office At Once" **roared McGonagall as she marched towards the boy, grabbed him by the ear and pulled him along causing James to make many cries of protest.

Sirius watched as he was pulled away shrugged and when back to eating.

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Reviews and suggestions please !


	5. Chapter 5

James was sulking in the pit of mess commonly known as marauders dorm, he was looking at his reflection in a hand held mirror. His fellow marauders Sirius and Peter where engaged in a epic battle of wits, playing wizard chess on the other side of the room ,Remus was trying to read on his bed.

"Are you sure that my ears are still the same size ? " whined James

" James they were the same size 2 minutes as they were 5 minutes ago and every other time you have asked ever since this morning" replied Remus in the tone of some one tired of dealing with a slightly stupid and repetitive child.

"So am not going to be taunted and be called names, and end as living as a hermit- which I couldn't do as I don't know how to hermit, cause it's not like there's classes about it "

Remus sighed " No James you wont get taunted about your ear" he said

" it's more likely you'll get teased about your choice of underwear" Sirius added.

Sirius then turned back to his game shouting things like " die scum" and "vengeance I must have vengeance" while jumping up and down in his chair. James put down his mirror, and only glanced at it occasionally. A few seconds of silence passed before Sirius started shouting " I win I win that's right you suck you suck" and dancing around Peter as if he was sacrificing him to his God., before vaulting on to his bed.

"Well Peter I think it's time Operation: Money bags " voiced Sirius as he dug into the foul mess under his bed with the odd cry of " Oh that's where that went" and " that didn't have legs last time" until he dragged out the cauldron filled with polyjuice, which was now an odd shade of yellow, Remus got up from his bed he had a feeling there was going to be major cock up.

"James hair please" asked Sirius

" make sure it's only a few hairs please" pleaded James at this Sirius ripped out large clump of James's hair causing James to cry in pain

"**Ow ! **am bloody bald now !" said James .

As Sirius sprinkled the hair into the potion then he replied " Oh stop crying it makes your other ear seem the same size now" waving his hands dismissively

"Hey ! you said they were ok" said James

"I say a lot of things"he said shrugging, then he put some of the polyjuice into a near by flith covered cup and handed into to a worried Peter

"Well bottoms up Wormtail" Shouted James and Sirius both bouncing about, peter nodded nervously as he slowly sipped the polyjuice, Remus watched in anticipation, then the transformation began. And Remus' feelings of a major cock up coming were proved right

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Reviews ! please ! please ! Give me some reviews ! I'll beg ! 


	6. Chapter 6

What was in front of James, Sirius, and Remus was not as they hoped, a perfect copy of James in every detail but a giant, James/Cockroach thing, it was clearly not good. After seeing him self, Peter had collapsed like a very weak jelly, leaving Sirius and James panicking, running in circles screaming girlishly , there hadn't been that much panicking, since Remus found out Sirius had been left with a box of matches, a crate of fireworks and caffeine, and that led to an event which Hogwarts a History called , the single biggest fire caused by one boy's stupidity and curiosity.

Remus conjured up a jug of water, then threw it at the panic stricken duo while shouting,

"Snap out of it." The two other boys immediately snapped out of it and to began to think rationally

" I know" shouted Sirius waving his hands about " We just throw the body out the window and say he topped him self"

"He's not dead Padfoot the filthy cup just ruined the potion" pointed out Remus

"are you sure Moony ?" asked Sirius a glimmer of hope in his eye, Remus nodded and the three Marauders began to pace while thinking, which was very difficult, as you'd have to walk round the mountains of things on the floor.

"The auctions in half a hour and we have no Peter to be James" worried Remus

"That's it ! James you can play James" he shouted while jumping about happily

" Nope not gunna happen" replied James

" Why Bloody not ?" shouted an outraged Sirius waving his arms in the air

" I signed a contract and you've got to honour it so tough luck, mate" said James smugly

"Moony-

"No !" interrupted Remus

"I haven't even-

"still no I have a contract as well" interrupted Remus again, Sirius shook his fist in the air as if cursing the god of contracts and started to mutter under his breath,

" I guess this means I'll have to do it" he sighed, James got a cup out cleaned it with his robe and fished the cup into the odd polyjuice and handed it to Sirius, Sirius looked at the mixture.

"are you sure it was the filthy cup ?" asked Sirius with a hint of worry upon his face

"yes am sure, now drink up" said Remus rubbing his forehead

" are you sure your sure ?" asked Sirius still worried and hoping that Remus would do it if he begged enough

" am sure am sure Padfoot now hurry up and drink it !" said Remus doing the international sign language for drink with his hands.

Sirius closed his eyes and sipped the potion, suddenly he dropped his cup, which caused the polyjuice to stain the only clean patch of carpet, rushed to the bathroom, shutting the door violently as he did so, causing a loud bang.

" 5 galleons says it goes wrong" said James

" your betting on your friend at a time like this ?" asked Remus slightly shocked

" what can I say Padfoot is rubbing off on me" said James shrugging

"Ok then your on" said Remus.

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**reviews please ? **


	7. Chapter 7

After a lot of over dramatic screaming from Sirius, then some crashes after Sirius realized that he now had James Potter vision and thus could not see his new hand in front of his face or in fact the sink, bath tub or shower hence the crashing. He tumbled out of the bathroom, smashing into the nearby pile of clothes, he got up, huffing and puffing, he then pointed at the pile.

"who in the name of Merlin put that their" shouted Sirius

" mmmm you ?" guessed James

"Merlin I hate that You kid he's always doing stuff like that" bellowed Sirius.

"moving on from your mad ramblings, I think one of James' spare set of glasses are in that pile" said Remus pointing to a relatively small pile by James' bed and Peter's body

"Well start digging boys " said Sirius cheerfully all problems forgotten, he shoved them towards the pile. Remus and James stepped over Peter and dug into the pile, pulling out some of James' long lost belongings, including 7 pictures of Lilly, 3 stolen snitch and a Gryffindor scarf, before finally finding an old pair of James's glasses. James put the glasses on Sirius face.

"Well chop chop time to go lets make some money" yelled Sirius before rushing out the door down the steps. Remus and James began to follow at a slightly less hyperactive pace, before Remus spotted something.

"Put the cloak on you moron" said Remus

"Why ?"  
"Don't you think two of you might look a tad odd ?"

"O yea hehe I'll just put it on " James said pulling it out of his pocket, he threw it over him self and began to make ghost noises.

" ooooooooooooooh aaaaaaaaaaaaaah I am the ghost of something or other"

" do we have to go into that every time you put on that cloak ?"

"Yes we do, now onwards to the auctioning of me, who is really Sirius, that's not to say am not me, because am clearly me it's the other me that's not me because am me but that's not to say that-

"James lets just go !" shouted Remus

**Later In The Dorm**

Peter woke up, looked at him self again and past out.

**Meanwhile In Room Of Requirement **

Sat at the back on a large row of stools were all of James' fan girls , groupies and other assorted people including one redhead. Remus was the auctioneer . The real James was under the cloak watching to the side of the auction , while the fake James, who was Sirius, was standing at the front while, posing and turning around and shouting things like "one careful lady owner" and "am built to last" the real James was getting very embarrassed, some of the poses were very graphic.

"Ladies and er... other ladies time for the auction to start lets start at say 50 galleons" and array of hands shot up Remus looked round to Sirius who was being James, he just shrugged and mouthed the words carry on .

"ok then 60" announced Remus only a few less hands shot up

"70" the same amount of hands were rasied then some one shouted out

"100 galleons"

the speaker was a girl who liked to call her self Bunny, and happened to be a large Hufflepuff who was very rich. Remus stood there mouth open wide, the real James was smiling, he'd just got out of going out with _that thing _but just as Sirius was about to bolt it someone else bid

"120 galleons" shouted Lilly , no one else challenged the bid, James swore …. alot

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The next part is the final, reviews would be nice.

After this I shall start something inspired by the trip in Dear Harry

read it it's rather good


	8. Chapter 8

James woke up, it had all been a dream, there'd been no auction, no other James , no cockroach Peter, Sirius did not get a date with Lilly and none of it had happened.

Or had it ?

Yes.. yes it had as James realised this, he screamed jumped out of his bed, and ran across the room to Sirius' , and tried with great effort to throttle him in his sleep. He failed miserably as Sirius wasn't there, he'd left for breakfast. As James noticed he was in fact 'killing' a pillow, he stopped and out of pure anger threw it onto the floor and stomped off , once he got outside his dorm he stopped turned round and when back in to put some clothes on, he was already being accused of being a flasher by McGonagall as it was.

Once he was finally dressed, James marched along the corridors, and past a gang of Gryffindors with one goal in mind: Kill Sirius as he was muttering this under his breath, with a strange look in his eye, with several near by weapons, no one bothered to stop him and in fact all found something very interesting about there shoes, and so looked down at them avoiding the would-be murderers stare.

As James came to the large doors of the great hall, the red headed Lilly walked past him

"oh James are we still on for Hogsmead next week" she asked, James forgot all murderous impulses in a state of wonder and confusion

" err… yes ?" said a confused James, in his mind Sirius was bound to have mucked it up and Lilly's reaction to seeing him did not go with his mental picture of a out raged Lilly and over the years he'd built up a rather good one.

"ok then bye" she said as she kissed him on the cheek before she walked off. Once James was sure she couldn't see him, he jumped 6 foot into the air and shouted,cheered and began dancing and singing

"she kissed me she kissed me she didn't kiss you she kissed me she kissed me, not you me !" while pointing at random first years once he'd finished his song, he forgave Sirius in his head and went skipped into the hall.

He then remembered where he was , as large amount of people were looking at him,he stopped, he looked around behind him as if to say what the hell are you looking at, before walking along the hall with added masculinity to compensate for the skipping, he sat down next to Sirius.

"ok so what did you do Padfoot ?" asked James

" I don't know what you mean Prongs" said Sirius in a voice that stated that he clearly did but wanted to hear some one tell him how good he was.

"The the fact that Lilly isn't looking at me like some sort of sexual predator/pervert" said James

"Well you see I knew you didn't want that so I just acted normally" replied Sirius

"haha very funny what did you really do ? You didn't drug her did you ?"

"I am offended by that remark, you make me out to be some sort of low life" said Sirius " I might not tell you now" he added.

"Ok ok am sorry not tell me" said a frustrated James

"ok apologue accepted, well my plan was brilliant basically after years of watching you make a prat of your self trying to get Evans to go out with you, I just didn't do what you do when talking to her and acted like Moony, or as other people call it a respectable gentlemen" explained Sirius

"oh Merlin" cursed James

" what ? I got you another date didn't I ?" asked a confused Sirius

"yes but now I have to act like that all the time" Shouted James

Sirius shrugged and went back to eating

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Reviews would be nice This is the End ,Final , Finish until the follow on I might write


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